i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
