Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
