I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
