I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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