So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
