I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
