I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
