Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
