She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
