Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
