I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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