I think im going to throw up on grandma
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
