PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
They have beer where we have blood.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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