I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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