my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
