I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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