I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
