Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
