That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
