Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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