the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
