# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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