He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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