Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
