I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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