Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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