My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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