he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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