I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
North Korea, Best Korea!
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
