So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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