I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
