Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
