it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
