i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
