apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
