i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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