The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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