why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
