My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
