Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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