But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
