Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
