At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
