stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
