U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
