if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
