Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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