I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
