How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
sarcasm needs its own font
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Randomize
