Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
