just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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