fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
