I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
