Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize