this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
