the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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