I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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