if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
